There is a conspiracy theory about Michael Phelps, the greatest-Olympian-ever. It goes like this. Phelps won his second to last race in Beijing by 0.001 seconds, which was the smallest possible margin by which you can win. The timekeeper taking care of the timing was Omega. One of Phelps’ biggest sponsors is Omega. Critics (not WW, God forbid) say this is a conflict of interest. Plus Omega supposedly refused to release material relating to the finish to the press. I tell you this to make this spoof video of Phelps’s “sportsmanship” all the funnier.

Another animal species is on the verge of extinction. But this one isn’t threatened by global warming, melting ice caps or the British aristocracy. Pumas, aka Hillary Clinton supporters (Party Unity My Ass) are self-destructing. They’re like those robots on films whose heads explode after receiving diametrically opposed instructions. This one, on CNN, explains that she (a) won’t vote for McCain, (b) won’t vote for Obama, (c) will vote. Aargh . . . cannot compute, cannot compute! Bang! (See what I mean here) It’s surreal isn’t it, how we care about who’ll be the future American president when the current Russian one is likely to kill us all before long.

Still, in the glare of the Democratic convention it’s nice to release something about good ol’ Walnuts. Obama out of touch? This is a video of McCain doubting any American would accept his offer to pick lettuce for $50 per hour. As was revealed yesterday, Obama was so poor a few years ago that he would have probably accepted for a sum that is, after all, about 10 times more than the US minimum wage.

Finally, extreme grocery shopping. It makes you realise that there’s a lot of talent in this world, most of it being employed by greasy adolescents for absolutely no use. They should be rounded up and made to run our gas and electricity companies, run our police forces etc.

Editor's choice

• The 100 Best Films of 2008
• Hitler and the Downfall mash-ups
• Britney Spears: The Circus